If you really want to do something, you will find a way. If you don’t, you will find an excuse.
1) I look back at my New Year’s Resolution from last.. and I wrote down to learn more about myself. And I damn sure did. We’re not that far away from the new year. I grew up a lot this year. I finally let myself take in the truth.
2) I’m the first born between my parents and honestly I let them down. I know they set high expectations for me and it sucks that I didn’t fulfill their dreams that they had for me. And the last three years it took a toll on me. I felt as if I was working hard for them to prove that I did become something. And now that I have a manager title it’s not as sweet. Yeah they’re happy but at the same time it comes to, “Well you should be going to school.”
I would love to go to school for something I want to do but I can’t. I don’t want to leave my parents.. cause I know they need me. But at the same time I need to find myself.
I think that’s why I feel bad for Ashley sometimes. Cause now all that pressure is on her. And thats the least I want to be put on her. Since my parents failed on me.. they’re pushing her. All I want to see is my little sissy succeed.. because I didn’t. I wish I had as much passion and drive she has.
3) This year has been a roller coaster of fucking heart ache. Finally admitting to myself that I still love him. And trying to get over him.. ever single year I think the same shit over and over again thinking that THIS year will be the year. But no. Why waste time on someone who will never love you the same way again. Why waste tears on something you know will never happen, but you just have that little hope inside you thinking it could change. It’s been more than 5 years (maybe longer) since he looked at me like he did. And I’m finally letting it be. I’m finally letting it go. It hurts so bad, still does but it gets better everyday. I had a freaking private blog about him. I wrote in it every single damn time we would talk/hang/ what the fuck ever. And why? I have no fucking clue. Every single time would try to gather enough courage to tell him how I felt.. I kinda knew what he would say. Because this is not the first time. Shit.. idk how many times.
It was so good back in the day. But we grew up. We became adults and one of us just moved along. And honestly I’m so happy for him in all of his accomplishments. I don’t hate him.. and I never will. But for me I needed to move on.. I needed to accept the fact that it won’t ever be the same.
4) I’m fucking sick.
hahahaahah writing this I cried a shit ton. and man it felt good. Night. Yoko ono out.
Vent is about to happen soon.
When I go on tumblr, I start feeling sad.. cause I read my old blogs and shit is depressing.
When I feel like I am starting to feel good, I start to think to much about it. I wish I can just not over analyze shit. I wish I can be positive all the time but man.. I start to realize this is real life.